25 ways to make sure your End Times chart isn’t Left Behind…

Disclaimer: Whether you’re Dispy pre-mill or panmill or amill or whatever, I hope you can appreciate a tongue-in-cheek look at some of the ridiculous things done in the name of the End Times.  I think you’re all good people, so join me in a laugh.

We all know End Times charts are at an all-time low.  Some might even view this as a sign of the times.  Sure, Christians have End-times movies starring C-list celebs and even video games now.  But perhaps like me, you’ve never stopped believing in the power of good chart.  So to spur on a new generation of eschatographers, I’ve created a helpful list of 25 ways to make sure your End Times chart isn’t “Left Behind.”

1. Make sure it’s not an outline.  Outlines are what liberals use instead of charts.
2. Use a “Classic Darby” font.  It’s size 6 and resembles Ulysses S. Grant’s handwriting.
3. 1 word, 5 syllables—monochromatic.
4. Don’t include the word “apocalyptic.”  The term is “bible prophecy.”
5. Seamlessly weave a chart on Daniel, a chart on Revelation, and “Trail of Blood” into one unstoppable “Mega-Chart.”
6. Write portions of chart in invisible ink that can only be read by 700 Club members.
7. “Cup of wrath” illustration mysteriously resembles Goblet of Fire bookcover.
8. Subtly include character names from Left Behind series but only from the later books so people know you didn’t quit after Nicolae.
9. All Bible references must be in original 1611 KJV.
10. Chart available in “overhead transparency” form.
11.  Appendix includes “Y2K Survival Guide.”
12.  Only sell chart in bulk amounts of 144,000.
13.  Develop a side market for chart with hippies trying to hallucinate.
14.  Manage to cover all of history from eternity past to future in a 8.5 x 14” page.
15.  Print chart on cellophane glasses so one can literally “read the newspaper through the eyes of prophecy.”
16.  Small musical notes allow chart to be sung to tune of “I’ll Fly Away.”
17.  Pretend you’re Legolas and cover that chart in arrows like it’s the army of Mordor.
18.  The web address on bottom should be hosted by GeoCities.
19.  Sneak an American flag into the hand of saint being raptured.
20.  Print chart on ink containing water from the Jordan River.
21.  Include a subchart showing the amills, postmills, and post-tribbers winding up in a sub-basement of Heaven…
22.  Hide Waldo somewhere on the chart for the kiddos.
23.  Make sure pyramids are somewhere on the chart.  It doesn’t matter whether they’re Mayan, Egyptian, or ziggurat.  People love pyramids on charts.
24.  Encrypt secret code on chart that can be uncovered to reveal another secret code.
25.  Have the Antichrist illustration’s eyes follow people around the room Mona Lisa-style.

If you follow these simple suggestions, you may find your chart some day hanging on the fridge next to an autographed photo of Jack and Rexella Van Impe.

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2 Responses

  1. I would like to add that a watermark of Kirk Cameron adds a touch of class to any chart, end times or otherwise.

    • Lol. I actually had 3 or 4 more Left Behind related jokes I left on the cutting room floor when I decided to make this a list of 25. It was originally conceived of as a chart where one’s answer to each category moved a person closer to either the fiery dumpster of old charts or being re-published in the New Jerusalem Book and Gift.

      The sheer scale of what I imagined was nearly impossible to pull off!

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